Shot in the Dark
by Courier999
Summary: One of Joker's goons plans to steal a diamond- with a lot of help! Rated T for tons of Italian swearing. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

BATMAN: Shot in the Dark

_Batman_ is property of DC Comics, all rights reserved. Pagilacci is property of Claudia Short, aka cscarlett15.

It was another night in Gotham City. In the Downtown area, the 5th National Bank sat unguarded, like an elementary school's doors. Just then, a loud explosion rocked the streets. In the sky, a stylized shadow of a bat hung overhead.

"Get driving! We've got the Bat at our heels!" A muscular thug shouted.

A largish armored truck began driving away from the scene of the crime. Out of the shadows emerged a sleek, long, pitch-black car moving at high speed. The driver of the armored truck nearly died of fright. He crashed into a street lamp, and exited the vehicle with a skinnier individual. Out of the shadows leapt a tall, muscular man wearing a cape and cowl. The criminals drew their guns. A flying object knocked the guns out of their hands.

"Who…are you?" The skinny criminal asked.

"I'm Batman." The shadowy figure answered.

The police arrived 10 minutes later, and the two crooks were tied up to another street lamp.

The next morning, the Joker threw his morning paper across the table. Once again, the Dark Knight had foiled one of his schemes. However, there was now a domestic dispute between the "hench wenches" at the moment…

"You _piccola puttana_!" Pagiliacci (Joker's second henchgirl ) yelled.

"I didn't understand that!" Harley Quinn yelled back.

"_Stupido_ _alrecchino_." Pagiliacci muttered.

"Huh?" Harley Quinn asked.

"_Non si parla Italiano_." Pagiliacci grumbled.

"Say what?" Harley Quinn replied.

"_Idiota._" Pagiliacci told Harley Quinn

"What was that?" Harley Quinn puzzled.

"Go, run off to your friend _Veleno Edera_, who is also a _piccola puttana_ as well as a _cagna_." Pagiliacci demanded.

"I didn't understand that." Harley Quinn stated.

"_E' non tornare di aver imparato I'italiano_." Pagiliacci finished.

"Fine, smarty!" Harley Quinn yelled, storming out in a huff.

The Joker's hidden microphones caught every word of the argument. For posterity's sake, he made a habit of taping the two when they were yelling at each other.

That afternoon, the Clown Prince of Crime found two notes on the door to the ladies' quarters:

First note- _"Mr. J, I'm spending a weekend at Ivy's. Signed: Harley._"

Second note- _"Pervertio burlone, I am going to make a name for myself by stealing the diamante known as King Victor's Bane. Do not expect me back any time soon, folle. Signed: Pagiliacci."_

The Joker nearly had an aneurism. Pagiliacci, his second henchgirl, had just run off. And she was less irritating than Harley (not to mention less lecherous). All he wanted now was for Batman to get her sent back to Arkham.

NEXT CHAPTER- PAGILIACCI GATHERS HER GANG FOR THE HEIST


	2. Chapter 2

In a seedy nightclub near the Gotham Docks, various "super-criminals" stood around. Among them were Two-Face, Clayface, Mad Hatter, Killer Croc, Scarface (with an unwilling Ventriloquist), and Riddler. Suddenly, the door was broken down, and Pagliacci made a gymnast's entrance.

"Which one of you is willing to aid me in the theft of the diamond known as King Vincent's Bane?" Pagliacci asked.

"Aren't you that sassy Italian doll who works for Joker?" Scarface asked.

"_Ventriloquo stupido é fittizo._" Pagliacci cursed.

"What'd she say?" Scarface asked.

"I think she called you stupid, Mr. Scarface." The Ventriloquist meekly answered.

"I don't get it." Killer Croc replied.

"_Coccodrillo ancora più stupido_." Pagliacci responded.

"If you can't say nothing nice-" Two-Face began.

"_Ho visto cadaveri che sembrava migilore di te._" Pagliacci replied.

"She said that she has seen corpses that looked better than you." Riddler told Two-Face.

"_Arguto serpente._" Pagliacci told Riddler.

"You may know my intellect, but that gives you no right to compare me to a snake." Riddler answered.

"_Vanno all'inferno._" Pagliacci retorted.

"You first." Riddler replied, smugly grinning.

"_Zitto!"_ Pagliacci yelled.

"I don't speak Italian." Clayface bellowed.

"You want to help me, or not?" Pagliacci demanded.

"What's the compensation?" Two-Face asked.

"Several priceless _gioie_, revenge on the _Pipistrello_, and a chance to have a new name in Gotham's criminal scene." Pagliacci answered.

"We're all in, then." Clayface replied.

"_Bene._ Now, all we need is _l'uomo di ghiaccio_'sgun." Pagliacci responded.

"What'd she say about a gun?" Two-Face growled.

"The Iceman's gun." Pagliacci translated.

"Who's this Iceman?" Scarface mused.

"Mr. Freeze, you dummy!" Two-Face snarled back.

"A phrase which plays off two meanings of the word." Riddler announced.

"_Basta con i giochi di parole!"_ Pagliacci groaned.

Two-Face idly flipped his coin. This was going to be interesting…

Elsewhere in the city, a fat slob known as Detective Harvey Bullock was thinking of donuts and how to keep Batman away from him. Nearby, Clayface and Mad Hatter spied on the pudgy policeman.

"Hatter to Pagliacci. How is it going with Freeze?" Mad Hatter radioed.

_"Cappellaio_, the man is tied up with steel chains. The _pistole_ is with us." Pagliacci responded.

In _another_ part of Gotham, Mr. Freeze was tied to some crates in a warehouse with steel chains.

"They got the jump on me, Nora." Mr. Freeze monotoned to no one in particular.

The next morning, the headlines screamed: "MR. FREEZE FOUND CHAINED TO CRATES, GUN MISSING."

"Master Bruce, are you sure that it wasn't that band of juvenile delinquents calling themselves the 3rd Street Jokers?" Alfred asked.

"They're not nearly skilled or organized enough to take on Freeze, Alfred. My guess is that it's Pagliacci." Batman answered.

"What makes you think that Paige Liccardi is behind this, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked.

"She's not as insane as Harley Quinn, and she might be trying to make a name for herself." Batman replied.

Meanwhile, Pagliacci finished drawing out her plan to steal the diamond.

"_Bene. Il diamante sará presto sará mio._" Pagliacci told herself.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Come in." Pagliacci muttered.

There was Riddler, wearing his distinctive bowler hat, "domino" mask, and green pajamas with purple question marks all over them. Pagliacci stifled a laugh.

"_Sei cosí stupido!"_ Pagliacci giggled.

"Yes, I know I look silly." Riddler admitted.

At their hideout, the assembled band of villains prepared for the heist that night...


	3. Chapter 3

PHASE 1: Infiltration

At 10:00 A.M., Clayface entered the Gotham Museum of History disguised as a guard. In his "pants pocket" was a bug, courtesy of the Riddler. Within 30 minutes, the bug was transmitting data on guard patrols and security measures back to the hideout.

PHASE 2: Waiting

Around 6:00 P.M, the assorted criminals took a dinner break. The heist was to be pulled off in about 5 hours, so all that they could do was wait.

"I don't trust this Pagilacci dame." Scarface piped up.

"She's smarter than you, dummy!" Two-Face snarled.

Two-Face's scarred side was hit by a flying tomato.

"Mr. Scarface, you shouldn't be throwing food-" The Ventriloquist sputtered.

"Zip it!" Scarface responded.

Soon enough, a brawl broke out. Dishes, utensils, and Clayface were thrown all over the room. The racket was enough to disturb Pagilacci.

_"BASTA!"_ Pagilacci shouted.

The brawl ended.

PHASE 3: The Heist

At 11:00 P.M, the heist began. First things first- Clayface had to break in, open up an entrance, and then the heist would move on. The band was currently in a utility tunnel beneath the museum.

"Get in the _tubo_, Clayface." Pagliacci ordered.

Clayface entered the utility pipe, slowly snaking his way into the museum. About 90 minutes later, he was inside the museum proper.

"Clayface to Pagliacci. I'm inside the museum." Clayface radioed.

"What are you waiting for! Disable all the security measures!" Pagliacci responded.

Just then, a guard approached Clayface's position. To make sure the heist worked as planned, Clayface shapeshifted into another guard.

"Mac?" The approaching guard asked the disguised Clayface.

"Yes." Clayface answered.

"Since when do you work nights?" The first guard asked.

"Just started." Clayface answered.

Clayface then knocked out the guard and tossed him into a broom closet. Next stop: Security Office.

In the Security Office, Clayface went straight to work in disabling the laser tripwires, cameras, microphones, and motion detectors. Pleased with a job well done, Clayface went to let in his companions. End of Step 1.

Pagliacci's next move was to open the Hall of Gems. The museum schematics revealed the the security doors were made reinforced steel. Solution: Break the door down.

SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! That was Killer Croc ramming into the security door over and over again.

"Keep going, Croc!" Two-Face shouted.

SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! _THUD!_ That was Killer Croc breaking down the door.

_THUD!_ That was Killer Croc falling to the floor.

"I don't to go to school, Mommy!" Killer Croc muttered.

"A prime example of a non-sequitur." Riddler commented.

"It was a big rock!" Killer Croc muttered again.

Two-Face and Ventriloquist grabbed Croc's arms and dragged him across the museum floor. End of Step 2.

Now, it was time for the heist of the century- the theft of King Victor's Bane (mistakenly labeled King Vincent's Bane) from the Gotham Museum of History. The security surrounding the diamond itself was on par with that of Fort Knox and Monte Carlo combined. Due to Clayface and Riddler's meddling, the security was mostly down. Pagliacci rubbed her hands with glee- soon, all of Gotham's criminal underworld would know her name.

Pagliacci raised her crossbow, loaded in a throwing knife, and shot the case surrounding the diamond. That solved the problem of getting past the case. Now, the problem was the CCTV camera overhead. A blast from Mr. Freeze's gun disabled the camera. 10 minutes later, the diamond was in Pagliacci's pocket.

"_Bene!_ We have pulled off the heist of the decade!" Pagliacci exclaimed.

"Your celebration is a little premature, Pagliacci." A monotone voice announced.

Just then, Mr. Freeze kicked down the other door.

"It's Batman!" Two-Face exclaimed.

Batman jumped out from the shadows.

"It was relatively simple, Pagliacci. Out of all the Joker's associates, only you would be sane enough to plan out a heist of this magnitude." Batman told the scared woman.

"What's with Freeze?" Two-Face asked.

"There is an old adage- the enemy of my enemy is my friend." Mr. Freeze replied.

"Besides, what are you doing here?" Clayface addressed Batman.

"One of Two-Face's associates told me that you were going to steal King Victor's Bane." Batman answered.

"GET HIM!" Two-Face exclaimed.

Mr. Freeze took on Killer Croc and Clayface. A mighty punch sent both of them flying backwards across the room.

"Not so fast!" Two-Face exclaimed.

Two-Face produced a Tommy Gun. _SLAM!_ Batman delivered a haymaker punch to the villain.

"_Si muorte stanotte, pipistrello! Lo ti rompere!_" Pagliacci exclaimed.

"No, I will break _you!_" Batman replied.

"How?" Pagliacci asked.

"I am vengeance. I am the night. I! AM! BATMAN!" was the reply.

"GET HIM!" Pagliacci yelled.

Mad Hatter and Scarface/Ventriloquist charged…only to be sent flying back when Batman countered.

_"THIS IS THE GOTHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED!"_ A man yelled.

"It is all over, Pagliacci." Mr. Freeze monotoned.

"Good morning, Gotham. I'm Summer Gleason, and here's what's happening. The GCPD apprehended some of Gotham's worst criminals at the Ezekiel Kane Institute Museum of History, Natural and Human, better known as the Gotham Museum. According to Commissioner James Gordon, they were planning to steal the diamond known as King Victor's Bane. Surprisingly-"

Batman turned off the monitor.

Meanwhile, at Arkham Asylum, Pagliacci was being transported to Intensive Treatment with a police escort.

"_Porco! Non si può mai mi tenere!"_ Pagliacci shouted.

"Shut up!" Harvey Bullock replied.

"_Ingrassare bastardo!_" Pagliacci yelled.

"Montoya, deal with this one." Bullock ordered.

"_Cagna!_" Pagliacci yelled at Officer Montoya.


End file.
